Music has always provided a sanctuary for my soul. Music has understood me when others did not. Music has ignited visions and worlds within me. Music has honored my depths. I do not create in a vacuum. Without music, it is very likely, that I would not have created many of my pieces.
“A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes
I screamed aloud as it tore through them
And now it's left me blind
The stars, the moon
They have all been blown out
You've left me in the dark
No dawn, no day
I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
And in the dark
I can hear your heartbeat
I tried to find the sound
But then it stopped
And I was in the darkness
So darkness I became”
I believe it was a childhood friend that introduced me to the song, “Cosmic Love” by Florence and the Machine. I felt all its depths quickly.
Folks love to dismiss the capacity for hope and heartbreak in youth. Yet, even now, at 27, I believe the things I felt as a child and young-adult were valid and overwhelming. You’re just beginning to experience life and encounters with romance and heartbreak are vulnerable and unregulated. You are feeling so many things for the first time and you don’t have the learned experience to know how to process it. Anything a child experiences is as valid as an adult, because we all felt it with the same intensity. And so, “Cosmic Love” hit my young soul deeply—attaching itself to a then-crush on an older boy who was probably taking emotional advantage of me.
This past week, I listened to the song again, and visions of self portraits greeted me. Yesterday, I ventured off to one of my favorite, haunted locations in Rochester, NY, and brought the images to life.
Upon seeing one of the photos, a friend said, “How did I guess the song before I read the whole caption?? Nice work embodying Florence’s work!”
I am no longer a child, but my depth of feeling, while much more regulated, is no more shallow than it was as a wee thing. I am, however, still healing the learned-shame of being a deep-feeling kid.
Non-monogamy has been a catalyst in unearthing my true nature. I feel strongly towards all souls that spark a connection with my own. I get excited about all relationships, not just those I want to build a life with. I’m of the mindset that romance goes far beyond its accepted norms. No, romance is not limited. It moves into the platonic & the casual. Any relationship I enter into I desire to show up fully—deeply feeling. I wish to express that I care.
Every time I voice a need & I’m received with kindness—a part of me heals. Every time there’s a break in communication & the person wants to repair rather than blame—a piece of me heals. Every time I choose to communicate my needs, at the risk of being weird, a piece of me heals.
And so, sometimes the music we love evolves with us. Sometimes it sings to our souls as if it was written with us in mind.